Day 34 (425-9) Grinding Through The Tough Times

We all have tough days. You know... those days when multiple issues hit you all at once and cause a storm of stress, aggravation and yes.. maybe even anger.   Well yesterday was one of those days for me.

The day was going fine.. a little stressful at work.  Then suddenly a few personal problems popped up, one thing led to another and I found myself in a VERY aggravated state.  While in this state I found myself battling the urge to run for cover.  What I mean is the urge to run to food for comfort and relief.

I was sitting at the table after a nice dinner of Dreamfield pasta, turkey meat balls and an Italian sausage.  I was completely satisfied from the food I had just eaten and doing perfectly on my calorie count for the day.  I had even taken a 10 minute walk early in the afternoon with my son.   But as the storm of aggravation hit I found myself thinking about and starting to plan what I could eat after everyone had gone to bed.   I was thinking about making a few peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with a tall glass of milk and a few other of my former late night standard meals (not snacks). That's right... thinking about this minutes after I had finished eating dinner.

Thankfully with a little venting via my wife I was able to gain control of my emotions and the urge to eat.  They stayed with me until my head hit the pillow last night but I was able pull back the reigns and avoid opening the refrigerator. 

When I woke up this morning I felt pretty good about what I had accomplished.  I had fought and won a battle that my former self would have easily succumbed to.   For the "old me" it would have been 2 PBJs, a bowl of cereal and maybe some ice cream.  For "new me" it was watching baseball, talking with my wife, texting with my sister and no food.  I still had 100 calories left and could have had a piece of fruit but wanted to put food out of my mind last night.  I didn't want to run to it any more.  Remember.. I broke up with food last week.

The lesson for me here is that while my mind is still running a version of software that has the "run to food" routine running I can be strong and resist the temptation.  Last night I consciously re-routed the code in my head and avoided stress eating.  It will take time to upgrade my brain but eventually I'll be running Version 2 which hopefully will have the "run for food" routine removed.  OK.. I was a software designer at one time in my life so pardon the programming analogies.

Taking it one day at a time...

ETL

Day 28 (426-8) My Break Up With Food

Say the word ten times...  Food, Food, Food, Food, Food, Food, Food, Food, Food, Food.  What is food?  It's something you put in your mouth, ends up in your stomache and gives your body the nutrients it needs to continue functioning.

I have come to realize that I have a very strong affection, really a love affair with food.   I don't just have a crush on food.. I am in love with food.  This "love" began when I was a small child.  Food items were always the open arms I ran too when either the going got tough or to celebrate something positive.  Every time that food wrapped it's arms around me and hugged me I fell deeper in love with it.  Captain Crunch, Crumb Cake, Pasta, Twinkies, McDonalds, White Castle, Butter Fingers, Burger King, Wendy's... they were always there to either comfort or congratulate me.

When you're a child and your brain is being shaped to think of food in this way, you really have zero control or say in the process.  You follow the examples of those who are responsible for your upbringing and development (code words for parents).  In a sense I was "married" to food during my childhood.  It became my partner when I was a kid and served to help sooth my emotions during the years when I felt love and comfort wasn't available anywhere else.

In my late twenties I married a beautiful, loving, caring woman who loved (and still loves) me unconditionally.  She began to shape my life and throughout the years has helped me understand many things about myself and the world around me.   I fell in love with her then and I love her even more now after 25 years.  However, during those years I always maintained my relationship with my first love, Food.  At times I cooled down the relationship and saw food for what it is.. fuel.  But eventually my childhood programming would creep back in and food would regain it's hold of me.

I'm happy to declare that those days are over.  As "Kay", wife of "Michael Corleone" put it in "The Godfather" when she threatened "La Familia"... "THIS MUST ALL END".   Only for me it's not a threat.  It's a promise.

Food has no heart.  Food has no ability to offer kind words.  Food has no arms.. it can't hug me.  Food can't look me in the eye and listen to me when I need someone to talk with.  Food can't "high five" me when something great happens.  Food is simply fuel.

So.. that said.. it's official.. I'm breaking up with you food... for good.  I will have to use you daily for fuel to survive and I'll enjoy your taste but that's it.   I don't want and won't except your hugs or smiles anymore.  It's not going to be easy because I've loved you for so long. But, I will not let myself be controled by you any longer.

So Goodbye Food and Hello Life!

ETL

ps.  Thanks to the person who was the inspiration for this post.

Day 12 (428.5) No One To Blame But Myself

Can I blame my job for adding stress to my life and causing me to eat for comfort?  Can  blame my parents for not instilling good eating habits when I was young?   Can I blame the food industry and capitalism for spawning the creation of high calories, low nutrition, fast and processed foods that can be mindlessly consumed with ease?   These are all questions I've asked myself and rationalizations I've made in the past.   Well I realize now that the answer is, NO, because I have no one to blame but myself.

Being obese is a choice.  In the past I choose to eat 4 slices of pizza when I could have had 2.   I choose to stop at Burger King and drink a large vanilla shake an hour before dinner when I could have had a protein bar and a bottle of spring water.  I choose to eat foods loaded with sugar and carbs in the privacy of my car, hiding my food addiction from my family and friends.   Since I made these choices I can't blame anyway but myself for the results.

Now for the good news..   I can and will do something about it.  I will correct the terrible eating habits I've developed during the first 50 years of my life and vow to maintain healthy eating habits for the remainder of my time on earth.   I have been successful in every other aspect of my life except for my body size and eating habits.  I will win this one too.

It's time take responsibility and move forward in a positive manner with the end goal of living well in a healthy, happy, 220 lbs body!

ETL