Day 23 (428-6) Old Habits Hard To Break

I'm sure I've written about this before... The impulse to eat without control when my emotions change (up or down).   For example yesterday my Son's high school baseball team won a big game which they have been gearing up for all season.   It was a tense game from start to finish with a lot on the line.  A real pitcher's duel where every pitch was important and the entire team contributed to the win.  The crowd (including me) was hanging on every pitch.  It was two hours of emotional ups, downs, nervousness, excitement, worry and then finally joy! 

After it was over.. I'm in my car for a 5 minute drive home (it was a home game) and one of the first "urges" I get is to stop at the store and get something to eat.  This sounds ridiculous to most people especially since the store is 10 minutes out of the way but this is not uncommon for me and many people with eating disorders.

I caught myself and started doing some heavy self-examination.  Why is it that when I go through an emotional experience I want to eat? Why isn't it comforting enough to just go home and celebrate this great accomplishment with my family?  Why do I always have to bring food into the picture?   I thought about this last night and this morning and I can't come up with plausible answers to these questions because there are no logical reasons.  These questions can't be addressed with a rational, justifiable explanation.  

Why does my mind work like this?  Perhaps decades of programming which positioned food and uncontrolled eating as my pacifier, security blanket, teddy bear or whatever object used to give comfort. Simple explanation:  When a baby cries we give him/her their pacifier to put in their mouth...  For me it's high fat, high carb, sweet, floury, unhealthy food.

My kids had pacifier's when they were young.   How did my wife and I break them of the habit?  We explained to them (when they were the appropriate age) that they were getting to be big kids now and the pacifier was something for younger kids.  It took some time and coaxing but eventually they broke the habit.

I have to realize that its time that I let go of my pacifiers and face emotional changes without food and uncontrolled eating.  It's a total change of mindset.  It takes strength and determination to change it.  I don't know how else to explain it but I do know I have to change it.

ETL